The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Eight

"Inspring Woody"

“Who’s that, Vic?”

“Are you kidding me, Drake? That’s Stacey. She’s playing the girlfriend. You were hitting on her when Stevie’s stunt went wrong.”

“I must have blocked it out. She has a killer rack.”

“You’re not her type.”

“Bullshit, I’m every woman’s type.”

“Ever see Manhatten?”

“Can you ever truly see Manhatten?”

“I’m talking about the Woody Allen movie.”

“No.”

“The Mariel Hemingway part? The 17 year-old his character was sleeping with? That was based on her.”

“You’re kidding!”

“Nope.”

“Did he ever cast her in anything?”

“Nope.”

“And now she’s starring in an orangutan movie?”

“The orangutan movie.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Seven

"Back On the Set"

“This is ridiculous, Drake. I can’t believe they only gave us half a day off to bury Stevie.”

“The artistic process is bigger than any one man, Vic. That’s just the way it is.”

“We’re making a movie about an asshole who inherits three orangutans.”

“No, we’re making the movie about an asshole who inherits three orangutans.”

“I thought you’d be the one really pissed off about this. You and Stevie seemed so close.”

“Objects in the mirror are closer than they might appear.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. I smoked something Eddie gave me at the wake.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Six

"The Era is Established1"

“I don’t think you have anything to be worried about, Drake. This isn’t the first time a woman’s threatened you. Remember that Playmate of the Year who was after you?”

“Claudia. How could I forget?”

“Nothing ever came of that, right?”

“She died in a car crash.”

“Oh, yeah, right. You…uh…didn’t have anything to do with that, did you?”

“No. I figured you did it.”

“Huh. I don’t think so, but then I was doing a lot of drugs back then.”

“It happened six months ago.”

“Wait? Did you say ‘Claudia’?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, yeah, that was totally me.”

1. Google the clues and you'll be able to figure out--down to the month--when this story is taking place.

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Five

"The Wake Continues"

“Hi, Drake.”

“Eddie.”

“We good?”

“All water under the bridge as far as I’m concerned. You still going to marry that girl?”

“Nah.”

“That’s good. She was just in it for the money.”

“I know. Speaking of girls, who was that hot little number I just saw you talking to?”

“That was no hot little number, that was Stevie’s mom.”

“Get the fuck out of town!”

“Swear to God.”

“But she would have had to have been—“

“—Thanks, I already did the math.”

“What’d she want?”

“My balls on a platter.”

“But not in the good way?”

“Nope.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Four

"At the Wake"

“Mr. Wantsum?”

“A pretty girl like you can call me Drake, sweetie. Wait. Have we met before? You look familiar.”

“I’m Mrs. Schmendrick, Stevie’s mother.”

“No way! What happened? Did you have him when you were twelve?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. That must’ve been tough.”

“It was.”

“Okay, you’re beginning to creep me out. Was there something you wanted?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Revenge, Mr. Wantsum. It should have been you who died that afternoon.”

“Now wait—“

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything now. That would be too easy. You’re going to suffer. More than anyone ever has before.”

“Seriously, twelve?”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Three

“The Eulogy”

“Well, what can I say about Stevie Schmendrick? He had a funny last name that’s for sure. I always used to think he made it up as some stupid joke, but then one night I was real drunk and I needed his wallet to pay my bar tab and I took out his I.D. and I’ll be fucked if that wasn’t his actual name. He must’ve been a Jew. We didn’t talk about religion much. ‘Cept when we was in the ambulance, of course. Then he wouldn’t shut up about it. Luckily he didn’t talk about it for too long....”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Two

“The Newbie”

“Okay kid, here’s your chance to prove yourself to the producer. You do that and you’ve got it made in the stunt business.”

“I dunno, Drake. It doesn’t seem safe.”

“That’s very perceptive of you, Stevie. This stunt isn’t safe at all. In fact I’m pretty sure it was designed to kill whoever does it.”

“WHAT?”

“Turns out our producer is a big crybaby who thinks big fancy breasts are more important than the bonds of true friendship. I’m pretty sure he wants to murder me.”

“But I’m the one doing the stunt!”

“Yeah, it’s all sorts of fucked up.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part One

The Producer's Girlfriend

“Drake! Stop! I heard a noise.”

“Sorry, sweetie, but I always bark like a dog during intercourse. It’s the only way I can maintain my giant erection.”

“No, not that. I think I heard someone come inside.”

“I didn’t think you’d notice. I haven’t been producing semen like I used too.”

“It’s Eddie.”

“Don’t fret, sweetie. I’m sure—“

“—WHAT THE FUCK!”

 “Hey there, Eddie. We were just talkin’ about you.”

“Drake!  I told you I was going to propose to her. Tonight!”

“Why else do you think I hurried? Drake Wantsum would never fuck his best friend’s fiancé!”

B-MOVIE BULLSH*T - Part Five "A Funny Man With a Horn"

I take a look at a funny, forgotten comedy whose star once convinced the world was the worst film ever made.

Click to read more ...

B-MOVIE BULLSH*T - Part Three "Vroom-Vroom!"

In my third edition of B-Movie Bullsh*t I explain why sometimes a filmmaker makes their best work when they're "selling out".

Click to read more ...